I am officially breaking my own rules about blogging. “One per week, I promised myself. More than that would be overload for readers.” So I thought of writing this today as a draft and releasing it soon. I just can’t do it. Some things cannot be placed on hold.
I have written some pretty vulnerable posts. This in my opinion surpasses them all. But I sense that I’m not just writing this to share my heart. This is for the hearts of many women I know. Ladies, you aren’t alone in this fight.
Liz Brown officially overreacted today. Something wasn’t said that I felt should be said in a conversation and my response was disproportionate to the issue at hand. For several hours I have been fuming and trying to get to the root beneath it all.
I am asking this question:
AM I ENOUGH?
Or maybe the better question is Am I NOT enough?
Sometimes circumstances in life just don’t add up.
So, the doubts pour into our hearts. Here are some examples (some personal, some from those I know):
If I were enough, why is my husband an addict? (Addictions come in many forms.)
If I were enough, why did my dad not shower affection on me in my childhood years?
If I were enough, why do I have a hard time connecting with other ladies?
If I were enough, why did the father of my child decide not to marry me?
If I am really that amazing, how can I be 5 years away from 40 and still single?
If I had been enough, why did he tell me that he was coming to pursue me wholeheartedly– and then when some issues arose, he left? Never giving an explanation. Unable to fight for my heart.
If I were enough, how could he have had the affair?
My personal checklist to be the perfect woman goes something like this:
- Able to keep his attention
- Beautiful, but not plastic
- Always full of mercy and grace
- Able to know when to be quiet and when to speak
- Desirable above the other competition…for it seems he has many women he could choose
- Secure, for who wants to see any insecurity? Don’t want to scare you away.
It’s endless. And it is a deep arrow to the heart. I’m tired. I can’t do it anymore.
And I’m angry. I’m angry for every friend I know who is SINGLE and AMAZING. The men should be beating the doors down just for the chance to win her heart. Unless, she’s not worth winning, right? For this is the lie that comes with the lack of pursuit.
I used to ask the “am I not enough” question so that I would like myself. Now I really really like who I am. I’m comfortable with my massive head of fro hair. Introverted, yet deeply relational to the core? Love it. Deep feeler who can at times seem unfeeling when I am passionate on a subject? Yep. I embrace that too.
I think the core of my anger comes from something deeper. Perhaps my spirit is groaning for the day where both the sons and daughters rise up. Where my brothers fight for their sisters’ hearts. Where the sisters value their brothers and build them up. The day that my beautiful friends who I pray for all the time, finally are pursued and their hearts are won. Not because a husband will give them value. But because he will SEE the value that is already there.
So the truth is, ladies, that you ARE enough! If we don’t let that reality bring us into rest, we will be in bondage to the lie that there is something hopelessly flawed in us. Tragic. And simply untrue.
By the way, I feel 80% better after writing this. My hope is set on the King of Kings. I am His daughter. He holds my heart with great value. Whether another ever sees my value enough to pursue, I am saying:
I AM ENOUGH.
(Ok, so I have to say this or I will probably panic. If there happens to be a guy or two who stumbles on this post—PUH-LEASE. I am not writing out my phone number. This was not intended as a “hey, handsome…I am single and advertising.” ha ha….girl’s gotta cover her bases when she is authoring a blog called thesingleside!!!)